The Capacity of the Human Stomach is 1 to 4 Liters, or "Congratulations, It's a Tapeworm!"

I haven't eaten like this since I was pregnant.

But I got sterilized 6 years ago and had my uterus burned for good measure, so this baby factory is not only closed...it's fucking condemned. I burned that shit down. 

So I have no idea why I've been basically a walking stomach for the last few days. There is not enough food in a 50 mile radius to fill the gaping cavern that is my guts.

My food baby. What shall I name it? Harrison? Gerald? Beauregard?

Don't worry, there won't be a birth announcement.

I consumed all of this before 0500:

Salmon, rice, asparagus, berries, yogurt, chia seeds, carrots, peppers, hummus, grapes, 

string cheese, hummus, and a meal replacement bar.

 I did not go to the cafeteria at 0630 because I knew if I ate then I'd only have to eat again before going to CrossFit. A co-worker brought in doughnuts for the students. I love donuts. Donuts are magical.

I did not eat a donut. I didn't even sniff them.

Would've been hungry 45 seconds later anyway.

Came home and made this instead:

Mushrooms and spinach in 2 eggs fried in bacon fat and Ezekiel toast

with a fuckton o' butter.

Went to the 915 with fantastic husband where I broke a personal rule and did snatches up to 85#. Normally I won't go over 65# on my first day off (I have taken several barbells to the head), but it actually felt pretty good today. I complained about the music and coach told me if my next 3 snatches were pretty we could listen to whatever I wanted. They were pretty, so we listened to old school rap. Fuck. Yes. 

I failed the 85# snatch a couple of times, but it's my current 1 rep and the fact that I attempted it at all was a bit of a victory today.

Hungry does not begin to describe what I was after a WOD of front squats and toes to bar followed by 50 GHDs. I was actually seeing spots by the time we were on the way home. That's in part due to fatigue, so when we got home I did the only rational thing...grabbed a red pepper and crawled into bed to eat it.

Hey, it doesn't leave crumbs.

I took a nap for a couple hours and got up to change for yoga...but that didn't happen. I did something to my left wrist during front squats and I can't put my full weight on it, which means no downward dog or planks. I don't think it's injured, just a little tweaked. Whatever it is it better figure something out, because if I can't make the 515 tomorrow I'm gonna be peevish.

So when I woke up I was hungry. Not peckish...hungry. So I poured myself a cold brew and I ate.

It wasn't enough.

And then I ate some more.

This container was full.

Then it was 4pm and I was desperate for food again. Fantastic husband made kielbasa and sweet potato fries. I stuffed myself full of sausage.

TWSS

That was about 90 minutes ago. I'm hungry again. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck.  I prepped some chia pudding for the fridge. It does me no good tonight, but tomorrow I'll be set. Although this is calorie dense but not much volume for a serving. Possibly shooting myself in the foot here.

Poured into mason jars and DONE.

This is what I ate today in checkboxes. I might have missed some. Also I drank close to 5L of water today.

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS THIS?

My future career as a linebacker is assured.

Oh! Exciting news! StitchFix does exchanges now! I requested a swap of the size 8 jeans I originally got for a pair of 6s. They came today (supafast!), and they're just right. They even fit over my food baby. I'd like you to note that my hair, shirt, and jeans are all the same color. I didn't choose the monochromatic life, the monochromatic life chose me.

I hear monochromatic outfits make you look taller, and so do 4.5" heels.

By that logic I am close to 8 feet tall in this photo.

Since it's my first day off I'll be sleeping like a corpse in pretty short order, which is a blessing, because there's nothing left to eat in this house except the furniture and maybe like a box of baking soda.  

This has to stop at some point, right? It's madness. 

Food is Life or "Whaddya Got, a Hollow Leg?"

Holy shit I'm hungry today. I packed a super huge lunch last night. That's 8oz of salmon, half a cup of rice and 1.5 cups of roasted broccoli in that box. I snarfed it down in record time and then mashed that Wellabar (which is the big one, the one I usually split in half) into my face immediately afterwards. I drank 4L of water during my shift (yeah peeing!) and after annihilating the veggies and hummus and cheese and yogurt and fruit and seeds I was still growly when 0600 rolled around.

I see your troooooooo coooloooooorrrrs.

The bacon in the cafeteria was fucking perfect this morning. So I filled a box with it. I ate a boxfull of bacon. So. Not. #nhapproved. 

AND I DONT REGRET IT.

The smalls went to daycare, the dog went to Fun Camp and I went to sleep. I even had a midnight snack if you count the red pepper and hummus I woke up and ate like I'd never eaten before and might never eat again.

Then I went back to sleep. I threw in a load of laundry first...I should get some credit for that, yeah?

I picked up the spawn and headed to CF with them for the kids class. I opted not to do 50 thrusters today. Anything overhead during my on week is questionable. I've dropped barbells on my head in the past. It ain't fun. Plus my thrusters are marginal when I'm rested, they could be potentially disastrous when my clock is flipped.

By the time we were on the way home I was rapidly approaching hangry. I made the kids some quesadillas and ate a huge bowl of last night's leftovers.

This is like 3-3.5 cups of steak and veg.

Under an hour later, while doing my laughably light 5x5? I had this "Oh shit, I'm hungry again" moment.

It's so cute with the widdle baby plates.

I finished up and hustled upstairs to make myself a coffee/protein shake.  

SO WIRED NOW.

So remember yesterday when I mentioned the thigh bashing? Here's a photo immediately after that WOD and 24 hours later. These should be super pretty over the next few days. I'll get to have one of my favorite conversations over and over whenever I leave the house.

Random Stranger: So, uh, how'd you get those bruises...they look painful.

Me: They're from cleaning.

RS: Cleaning?

Me: Yeah. *blank stare*

Bonus points if fantastic husband is with me as he is a large, physically imposing individual. 

I CrossFit because it makes my legs so sexy. 

Now that the night has gotten away from me it's time to shower and make my lunch. And probably eat again because holy shit so hungry. Almost time for seven days off, bitches!!! 

I Didn't Need Those Thighs for Anything or "Bruises are Just Free Tattoos"

Bullshit. I can control everything. Watch me.

If I have one pet peeve about my job, it's that it relies so heavily on a chain of people doing their job first. Some of that chain is eliminated by the fact that I often work alone or with only one other person, so once something crosses my desk I have essentially complete control over what happens from that point. I like control. Here is a song for you to enjoy. I'm currently obsessed with this artist.


Halsey "Control" 

Last night I got to beat my head against the desk after two different units jumped down my throat because they didn't have something they needed instantaneously. Now, I'm am fucking great at my job. I would lay money I have the fastest fucking turnaround in the system. I never let stuff sit. I anticipate. I interpret. And when shit goes down? I am in control. 

Except that sometimes I need a crucial piece of information to do my job. Like a weight. I literally can't send you an antibiotic with a weight based dose without a weight. And yelling at me doesn't tell me how much the patient weighs. You can insert a primal scream here. I might have actually screamed into a jacket last night. Maybe.

At any rate, it was an active and hectic night. That means my dinner was delayed significantly, and once I started eating I couldn't stop.  I'm a stress eater, what can I say. I could rule the fucking world if you gave me a 5# bag of peanut M&Ms.  Luckily I packed a huge lunch.

Which I ate all in basically one sitting. One long sitting, but still.

In addition I had eggs and bacon from the cafeteria when it opened at 0630. The bacon was disappointing. No snap. I like my bacon to melt in my mouth. Floppy bacon is not okay. 

So when I came home I vented my frustration at fantastic husband, who was sympathetic. He's great at listening to me rant. It helps that since he works rescue he actually gets what I'm talking about. He's a good code debriefer, too. I try to return the favor whenever I can. This is one of my favorite things about our relationship...I can come home and shout at him for 20 minutes and he just says "Do you feel better?" and I do. I do feel better. 

Then I went to sleep. Like I do. I slept pretty well and fairly long, so I decided to brave the 415 WOD at the box. I snarfed down a red pepper and a Wellabar before heading out (use your imagination).

Today we practiced cycling cleans from hang position. 7 reps every 90 seconds for 7 rounds, adding weight each round. This is essentially bashing the bar against your thighs, then collarbones, then thighs, then collarbones over and over with increasingly heavy weight.  By the 7th round I was basically at "Ow...ow...OW...ow...OMFGOW" I don't see bruises on my collarbones yet (maybe my elbows were fast enough today?!?) but the ones on my thighs are already surfacing. I'm pretty much going to look like someone hit me with an aluminum bat. Which, if you think about it, is basically what happened. 

Then we did the WOD. I forgot my water bottle, so I drank the iced coffee I had in the car. Word of advice? Don't drink Deathwish as your hydration during a workout. I felt as though my heart was going to explode.

Have you heard the good news about our lord and savior, Cold Brew Deathwish?

After the WOD I hustled home because fantastic husband said those two little words that drive all the ladies wild. "Steak tacos" I had some corn chips with my pile of steak, black beans, grilled peppers, tomatoes, cheese, and sour cream. You might ask "What? No guac?" but I didn't have to make this so I ain't complaining, you dig? 

Window of gains, brah.

So to recap, I worked...I slept...I lifted weights...I came home to a hot meal...and now I'm sitting on my ass watching Wheel of Fortune. Is this what it was like to be a dude in the 1950s? Because if it is, I totally get why men resisted feminism. All I need is a cocktail and a hot secretary to bang. I would've been a shit housewife...though if I'm honest I probably would've ended up a spinster because who the fuck would want to be saddled with this raging pyre of crazy? (I love you, baby, please don't ever leave me.)

Also I'm eating some grapes. Great batch at Costco this week. Crunchy as fuck.

I like a snappy grape, don't you?

I ate so much today. Seriously. Enough to feed a small army. A really small army. Like, an army made up of three small soldiers.  But it was all actual food, and heavy on the veg and protein, so I don't feel bad about it. There was a small amount of shock when I checked the boxes and was like...uhhhhh.

Oh shit. I forgot a protein. Oops.

Two more shifts. Tomorrow the kids are at daycare and the dog is at Fun Camp, so once I'm home I get a wall of silence for about 8 hours. Then it's off to CF kids and maybe a workout for me if I'm feeling ambitious. If not I'll 5x5 it at home...or maybe both. Guess it depends on when I wake up. 

Next Thursday is the first day of school. I can't wait. The kids are so excited and I am jacked to have my day back. Mid-day yoga? Running? Morning workouts? I can't wait to do it aaaaalllllll without three little stomachs in tow.

Did you know you have to feed kids like 5 times a day? It's exhausting.

My birthday is in 8 days. I will except any and all gifts of food.

Merrily Down the Road or "Go Home, StitchFix, You're Drunk"

Last night was long. Tonight at midnight we officially roll out a new process...which could make tonight even longer. Good thing I ate everything that was not nailed down today. Banging your head on a desk takes a lot of energy and fortitude.

Maybe it won't be so bad. I mean, I just need to rely on other people to do their part of the process and my part will be a piece of proverbial cake. What could possibly go wrong? 

No, it's cool. I'm cool.

Let's start at the beginning. Here's my super-awesome lunch bag packed with all the foodz. Including the carrots I somehow lost yesterday.

The carrots are in the bag, hiding.

I drank 4L of water at work last night. No coffee. I felt it was unwise after putting down two big cups of cold brew Deathwish earlier. FOUR LITERS. I froze my ass off all night, even though I didn't put any ice in the water.

2 of these canteensful is 4L. My pee? It is clear.

Even though I had dinner and three, count them THREE snacks I was still ravenous at 0600. I basically pawed the ground and snorted while waiting for the cafeteria to open. When the cashier said with a slight moan in her voice "Ooohhh, my coffee is working" I was slightly grossed out, but that didn't stop me from cramming bacon into my face pretty much immediately after paying. I'm surprised I made it to the cash register.

GET IN MAH MOUF.

Since yesterday wasn't a great sleeping day, I was stupid tired when I got home this morning. I fell into bed and after watching about 8 minutes of Jon Oliver I was off to dreamland. For Eight. Solid. Hours. I woke up too late to go to 415 at the box, so I just headed downstairs for a little 5x5 action. After a cup of Deathwish, of course.

Yeah. That's a 55# squat. Light, but helpful for mobility. 

At first I was peevish about how low the weight is, but it goes up by 5# each workout so it won't be light for long. Bonus is I have more time to focus on my foot position and getting low in the squat. I'm not going to rush this. That gets me nowhere. Today's workout also included benching and barbell rows. 

Benching in my jammies FTW.

Got my new container of chocolate malt whey powder today, so I found the scoop (always an adventure) and treated myself to a chocolate coffee shake.

Which is totally legit supplementation and not at all dessert.

I said NOT AT ALL DESSERT.

Along with my protein powder, a StitchFix box showed up today. It was full of weirdness. One pair of jeans which fit initially, but are stretchy. This means they will absolutely NOT fit after about 30 minutes of wear. Shame, because the length was great for heels.  There was also this sleeveless turtleneck sweater. I have never understood the sleeveless turtleneck. Am I warm? Am I cold? What season is this for? Also the length and fit on this was weird as fuck...plus slits on the side? Who does this fit?

And WHY DOES IT MAKE ME LOOK PREGNANT?

Every stylist at StitchFix also seems to think I really need a nautical striped sweater. I seriously get one like every other box and I've sent every damn one of them back. I mean, it's okay? But it's just so...ordinary. This is my problem with clothes shopping. I don't know what I want, but it's not anything that exists, apparently. There clearly is nothing between overly embellished and stupidly flashy and "boxy nautical sweater". 

I mean really.

But at least I got this weird scarf thing? Which is red and polka-dotty. I have no objection to that, really, but it's not knit...it's just a length of cotton fabric sewn together. What is it for? 

Is it supposed to be warm? WAIT! IS IT FOR A SANDSTORM?

It's totally for a sandstorm.

Perhaps the most perplexing thing in the box was this shirt. It's got a built in tank that is some sort of sateen material and is too short. The shirt itself is a slightly transparent crepe with a gathered neckline. I got stuck in it when I put it on and it would not lay correctly over my shoulders. I tugged it every which way. Awful.

WHO IS THIS SUPPOSED TO FIT?!?

Then I got stuck in it when I tried to take it off. Thank the FSM I was alone, because there was some serious flailing and cursing. I considered just ripping it in half, but then I would've had to pay for it. Remind me to tell the fine people at StitchFix that if it's something I have to put on over my head it needs to be stretchy or have buttons I can undo. This is like the third time I've gotten stuck in something. 

Oh wait. I DID tell them that. TWICE.

So it all goes back. Again. I may order the jeans from Zappos in a smaller size, because I really do like them, but I know after a few hours I'll just be hiking them up and bemoaning the sagging ass of it all.

I'm still gonna use StitchFix, because if nothing else it's good for a laugh, and about every third month I get a box of super cool shit. I should probably pay attention to the stylist's name on the ones I like. Details, details.

Now it's dinner/breakfast time. Eggs with spinach and mushrooms and some fruit. All my boxes are checked for today, motherfuckers. White bikini, here I come. 

So hungry. 

I should probably shower at some point.  More details.

Real Life Made Me A Lush or "Why It's Hard to Quit the Internet"

So I've been offline for just shy of two weeks. Holy shit I had a lot of fun during those two weeks. Holy shit I had a lot of alcohol during those two weeks. As it happens, I am down for in person socializing as long as it involves swimming, kayaking, weightlifting, food, smokes, and vast quantities of beer, wine, and tequila.

Were you looking for me? I'm gonna guess not.

I shut down my social media a couple weeks ago. It was getting noisy. I removed the apps from my phone, deactivated my accounts, and shoved off into the deep still water of disconnectedness. Holy fuck it was beautiful. My phone became a paperweight (no really, it did...it still only recognizes the SIM card half the time). And then I started getting text messages from actual people I hadn't seen IRL for weeks-to-months.

Invitations to like, do shit. In meatspace. With...humans.

WTF?

My girl Trish and I went to the Dells to Sundara Spa and spent a day getting massages, drinking wine (oh, so much wine), swimming and sunning and talking and eating and spa-ing. Then we spent the night in an ungodly beautiful suite that had two bathrooms. I took a shower on Sunday morning just to use this bad boy.

FSM bless the fine people at Kohler Corp.

This shower had two adjustable height rainshower heads, 8 adjustable height/direction/setting massaging heads, a "personal sprayer" (which is code for "masturbatory device"), and a bench with seats. This is clearly a two-person set up. My main regret with this overnight is not having anyone to fuck in this shower. I love you, Trish, and you're hot as hell...but you're not my type. Sadness.

Also at Sundara the food was great, the staff was nice, the wine was plentiful, and the bed was craaaazy comfortable. It is a "no devices at all period" place. You have Wi-Fi in your room, but no phones or anything else in public areas. No problem for me as my paperweight (err...phone) was devoid of anything I'd look at anyway. I even brought (brace yourself) a paperback book. Did you know they still make those? Because they totally do. 

I give you proof.

I got that thing at an actual, physical bookstore. Those are apparently still a thing as well. This is a lovely bit of fluff if you like slightly bitchy, deadly heroins and escapist bullshit with faeries and stuff. It's a collection of novellas. A prequel to the Throne of Glass series which I am currently rereading in anticipation of the release of the 5th book out of 6 on 9/6 (small aside: NEW BOOK EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!) I preordered it. Along with the next Expanse book which will be out in November. GOD I LOVE TO READ.

After my spa weekend I had a day of normal wife-and-mom stuff followed by a day spent golfing and drinking with my beloved husband. We went up to Door County and played a course we haven't played in a while and then went over to the "quiet side" for some food and walking around. I had beers AND ice cream. Solid.

Wednesday I hit up CFGB early and then traveled to Appleton to do arms/shoulders/back with my small and mighty bodybuilder friend Kim. She said I looked jacked. My life is complete. Then we had beers and smokes (gods, I miss smoking...there is nothing like a cigarette after a workout) and went downtown for Mexican food. Also more drinks. I don't see her enough. I will say doing that workout the day before kayaking for multiple hours was maybe not the best idea...but I lived. 

The next day I had a kayaking date with the fabulous Meghan who took me out on the Suamico river. It was beautiful. We saw deer and a blue heron and lots of little fishes. Also a nice sandbar on the Bay where I tried a truly hideous Bud Light product that involved Clamato. Thank-you...no.

Meghan, I stole your picture. Hope you don't mind.

Then it was off to Anduzzi's for...you guessed it. Beer and food. And loud, inappropriate conversation. I do love a good loud inappropriate conversation. 

I went to yoga with 2 beers in my system (no, I didn't drive drunk, the appropriate time had passed). I got a headstand. In a class. A wobbly-ass, sketchy fucking headstand. It was awesome. Especially considering the totally fried shoulders of it all.

Friday it was back in the salt mine. After the last couple of weeks of partial debauchery and somewhat lazy eating I've recommitted to my Nutritional Healing program. 

Oh, hai, balanced eating. Ummm...how've you been?

Now, I've been working out pretty hard and I haven't been eating all bullshit. I haven't backslid in that my weight and measurements have been stable...but I have had some heartburn (go figure) and I'm not as energetic. We're gonna fix that. First stop? Costco. It didn't even rain until after I packed the car. It was kismet. 

Yeah, buddy.

So the fridge got cleaned out, food prepped for the next week or so, and I made my lunch for the overnight so I could start fresh.

Oh, it's so beautiful.

These were in the breakroom.

GET THEE BEHIND ME, BROWNIE.

But I was strong. I also drank 3L of water overnight and froze my ass off as a result. I have been seriously lacking in the hydration department, but I've been increasing my water consumption over the last week or so and I'm back up to nearly 4L.  Dinner tonight was simple.

So basic.

Overall, I had a great day food wise.

Oh, I forgot the extra veg with dinner. Ah well.

Look how check-boxy!

I didn't get the greatest sleep today (hubs at work, house full of brats), but it could have been worse. It's a rest day so I'm treating myself to some reading and knitting. My year-long afghan color arrived a few days ago. It's "my" colorway as it is Virgo time. I hate the color. It is drab. I get it, Virgo is an earth sign...but come on. I couldn't get forest green? Hell, I'd have taken a golden brown over this one. I'm not drab! I'm dull, but not drab!

Yuck.

I have stayed true to my pledge to boycott Starbucks. Not a single drop consumed or a single penny spent. I have been consuming entirely too much coffee in the form of cold brew Deathwish. Do you ever drink enough coffee to kill a lesser person...and then wonder if you'll ever sleep again? 

Because I do.

I have also decided it's time to squat again. Not that I haven't been squatting at all, but I've been avoiding going heavy. I'm going to try 5x5ing it this time, starting low and going slow...like a good pharmacist should. I'm going to focus on good form and being honest with myself. So far it's felt pretty good.

I'm back on social media for the moment. I'll be avoiding Facebook as the political posts are becoming too much for me. I'm not averse to expressing my opinion, and I don't care who knows that I'm a godless bleeding heart pinko commie, but the memes and misinformation are becoming more than I can stand. This blog will be starting back up, though, and I'll post it to FB for you (because I'm sure you're sooper interested). 

My birthday is a week from Wednesday. I'll be 39. You know, the age everyone says they are when they're really 45? I'm back on the nutrition wagon and am going to be working towards improving my overall bodaciousness prior to hitting the beach in Hawai'i this October. I even ordered myself a new custom bikini from Savage Swim. My incentive to work on my 39 year old "ass"ets. 

Lunch is prepped for overnight. I still need to wash the smalls (they are disgusting) and myself (not as disgusting). There's time though.

First I gotta finish this Deathwish....

Adventures in Offline Living: Days 3-5

Just back from a spa weekend with a good friend from college. We went to Sundara spa, which has a "no device" policy in public areas.

No problem for me. I had a paperback and I don't use this phone for much these days anyway. The SIM card is still intermittent, which means I'm going to have to upgrade this bloody thing. Hopefully I can make it work until December. Praise the FSM for Wi-Fi.

So I had my first massage, we had a super swank suite, drank a bunch of wine, got some sun/pool/hot tub action, and a pedicure to top it off. No social media. Bliss.

I have three days of fun stuff planned for this week, none of which requires my phone. My social life got radically more life-like, suddenly.

It's tempting to hop back on. The habit is hard to break, especially when I'm feeling fidgety, but it hasn't been too tough.

So far, so good.

Adventures in Offline Living: Day 2

First day off. Of 8. Hurrah!

Gave myself a manicure, got a haircut, treated myself to a new paperback, took a nap, went to yoga, listened to music. Pretty solid day. I thought about FB twice, once when my phone updated and reinstalled the app (so I had to re-un-install it) and again when I got a text from a friend asking if I'd deleted FB or just blocked her. 

One of my sons did something really cute and I briefly thought about Instagraming him.

And...that's it. I'm pretty surprised, truthfully. I thought it would be harder.

Sweet. Early to bed for me!

Adventures in Offline Living: Day 1

Historical Background:

Back in March I took some time off social media, but I wasn't able to make a clean break. I still had to use Facebook for some kid-related stuff, and though I removed Messenger from my phone, I still used it on a desktop periodically. I let myself scroll Instagram and look at Snapchat every couple of days. So while I reduced my online presence I was still peripherally there.

The Lead Up:

This time around I have no such requirements. I'm not leading any groups, I don't have any events to manage, and other than boredom or habit or whatever I don't truly have any reason to spend time on Facebook or Instagram or Snapchat. It's not that there's anything wrong with social media...and it can be fun, but it started eating up too much of my brainspace. Especially in an election cycle. Jibbers Crabst the political posts. I don't need to know that much about my friend's politics. Not if I want to stay friends, anyway.

I started by turning off all notifications for social apps (the ones that would let me). It helped, but I still found myself checking and checking and checking again. It was just a habit. Social media is both a blessing and a curse for someone like me. I'm deeply introverted, with a tendency to brood. So posting was interaction...but sort of a hollow one. I definitely have a "social media" personality. It's not the same as my "real life" personality. Real me is dull and bookish. Social media me is always "on" in a way that real life me can't maintain for long. It's not that I was faking anything...more like two sides of a coin. Social media me was my public face...the one I put on when I leave the house, but without needing to wear pants. As a general rule I don't give a shit about how people feel about me or how I live my life, but I'm also a chronic overthinker. I will ruminate on an interaction forever. Years. I wish I was exaggerating. It's exhausting enough when I'm dealing with real life interactions causing that kind of brain weasel...now add 100s of extra online interactions.

The Cut Off:

About 24 hours ago I deactivated my FB account, my IG account, and deleted the Snapchat and Messenger apps from my phone. It felt...weird.

Day One:

Not the greatest representation, probably. But I worked last night and I usually pop on and off of FB just to alleviate stress or boredom. Not that much happens overnight. Then I went home and slept. I didn't get up until 4pm. I found myself reaching for my phone to flip through IG. Nope. App gone. Oh yeah.

Still had the phone in my hand quite a bit because I was finishing a novel on the Kindle app. I have it on my tablet, but this particular book was a glitchy download on the tablet. I found myself wanting to open FB or IG a few times this evening. Had a few exchanges with the husband that began "Did you see the Snap from..." or "That picture was from..." and I had to say "No, I didn't see the Snap"and "Remember, I won't see the picture". It was odd.

I had a moment where I caught myself thinking in status updates (shudder). I also started to photograph something I ordinarily would've posted to IG and wondered why I was doing that. I've had a couple of moments of "No one will notice or care that I'm gone and I will lose all my friends". But if I'm being honest, I've never been the kind of person who has many friends. Turns out I'm difficult. Who knew?

The irony of blogging about leaving social media isn't lost on me, but no one reads this unless I post it to FB (and I can't because I deactivated it) so it basically doesn't count. I'd write this shit in a journal but I type so much faster than I write.

Tonight is the last night on shift, then 8 off. I don't know if it will be easier or harder to be disconnected during my off week. Somehow I think I'm going to be a lot more productive.

What the Fuck Am I Doing Here?

I'm not defeatist, or even particularly pessimistic.

Stop it. Don't think I can't hear you rolling your eyes.

But...I'm really not. I'm a realist, certainly, but my personality type also lends itself to rampant idealism...and even ridiculous optimism. As a general rule I tend to view all things as possible with the right preparation and dogged persistence in their execution.

Just because I'm bitchy doesn't mean I'm a doomsayer.

Which is why the last few weeks have been so hard for me. I've had a goal of a 200# back squat for a while now. And what's a goal without a plan? A wish. But I'm not wishing. I'm working. Which is why the amount of failure I've been experiencing is killing me. Not only have I stopped progressing, I'm actually backsliding.

I question all my life choices.

About...shit, 6 months ago now? I started a Smolov cycle to increase my back squat. I started at 130#. I did a 13 week cycle, and it sucked, but at the end of it I hit 155#. Success. Then I took a couple of weeks off of squatting and started over with my new PR. After the first part of the cycle I 1 repped at 165#. Hooray and shit. Then everything fell apart. I took my switch weeks and worked on plyometrics and mobility and upper body...all the other things that aren't squatting. And when I came back to it? I couldn't do it anymore. Every set felt fucking terrible. The heavy squats made me feel like everything was coming apart at the seams.

And I failed. Again...and again...and again.

I saw the chiropractor. I worked on mobility before squatting and after. I sat in the basement with 75 pounds on my back and tried to stay upright.

And I failed some more. Over...and over...and over.

So I walked away for a week. Didn't back squat at all. Just did what was in the WODs and a little front squatting (don't ask) at home, some lunges, that kind of thing.

Today was 1 rep max back squat at the box. I shouldn't have gone. I don't know why I did, really. I started at 50% and just added 10# each round as instructed. I didn't do the math, I didn't want to psych myself out. Everything was fine...everything felt really good, actually.

And then I fucking failed 155#. I couldn't even get up my fucking max from 3 months ago. A weight I could do doubles at just last month.

It's gone. All that work. All that sweat. All that time.

Gone.

I don't know what to do now. Start over at the beginning? Say fuck it and eat my weight in cheesecake? Get drunk and have a good cry? Start embracing my flat, nearly 40 year old ass?

It isn't that I haven't dealt with failure in the past. For fuck's sake, my whole "athletic" life is built on failures. In general I learn from failure and come back at the problem with new eyes, or better questions that get me better answers. It isn't that I haven't made progress in other ways.

My core is stronger, my ankles are more flexible, I can do movements I was incapable of before.

I don't do them well, but I can do them.

I'm focusing on challenging myself instead of just going through the motions. 

I go longer, heavier, do movements I avoided in the past.

I wear booty shorts in public. I wear the white ones, even (at home). I'm willing to ditch my tank

for WODs, I wore a tube top in public.

All these things are great. I'm happy about them. But the one thing I've been working at the hardest, the most consistently...is the one thing I just can't do. 

Maybe I'll just quit.  I wonder what that would feel like. Quitting my job at giant corpo-pharmacy felt pretty great. Quitting smoking didn't feel great. I still miss smoking...and if I'm being completely honest sometimes I still smoke. Go ahead and clutch your pearls. I'll wait here.

I won't quit, though. Clearly I am bad at quitting things since I only have 2 examples and one of them isn't even accurate. I'll just rework the plan and start again. Damn my endless optimism. It may be a while, though. I need some distance. Squats are like a shitty boyfriend I just can't get over. How dare he dump me the day before I was going to dump him? I didn't even like him! I SAY WHEN THIS IS OVER.

I am going to quit Starbucks, though. That place can go fuck itself. In fact, go ahead and mark it. Today was my last purchase at Starbucks. I quit.