Back in June I bulked for a Strongman competition. I was all cocksure, like "Yeah, I'm fluffy now, but it's mostly water from this here creatine and I'll totally lose it no problem once this is over."
You're so cute with your "water weight"!
So, I didn't lose it. Well, I sort of did, but really it was just dehydration, and when I rehydrated I was fat again. Fuck.
Now, I get a lot of exercise. Two-a-days are kind of my normal. And three-a-days. And sometimes four-a-days. It's not like I'm running 20 miles a day (there's a woman around here that does that-I used to see her almost every day at various times, always always running). I CrossFit, I squat either at home or at the gym, I run (with accompanying sled push/pull), I do yoga, and I take a powerlifting class a couple times a week that also includes Strongman stuff. I do these things in various combinations every day. How many depends on the day of the week and my work schedule, but almost always at least two of them.
This is me being dead after the WOD and then failing the fuck
out of a 95# snatch for a 100 years. Then I squatted.
Yup. Every day. What can I say? I work third shift and I have a lot of free time. Mostly because I'm a lousy wife and mother...and a miserable housekeeper, but you know free time.
And yet I'm still chubby, so what gives? It's not like I'm secretly eating a whole pie for breakfast. I eat well! Pretty consistently! I SHOULD BE HOT AS HELL BUT I'M STILL A POTATO. I mean, like a muscle-y potato, but still a potato.
Muscley. Potato.
A year and a half ago I was 10 pounds lighter. I'd like to pretend that I put on 10# of muscle in that time frame, but that would be bullshit. My body fat percentage has been hovering around 23/24 and I was at 21ish 10 pounds ago. Yeah, I have put on some muscle, but I've also put on some flab and I don't like it.
No, my tits aren't bigger, I just bench press now.
I don't want thigh gap or any of that stupid shit. I'm fine with being big. It's being squishy I don't like. My ass is bigger and higher and that's awesome...but I'd prefer it be less squashy. Ditto on the legs. Muscley=good. Squashy=less good (I would prefer my thighs not actually flap when I run). I'd also like to reclaim my waistline. It's been getting away from me lately and that's not cool. I know this shit is only going to get harder in the 40+ of it all. Letting it slide any further isn't an option. Climbing out of that hole? Yeah, it sucks. Trying to reclaim ground you've lost and reclaimed a dozen times before? Been there, hated that. I don't want to be there again.
Adding to the problem is marathon training. I always get fat when I marathon train. I tried a different tactic this time-a CrossFit based program that focused more on strength and speed than long slow distance. It's been an experience. I'm definitely faster (like a LOT faster...like a LOT a lot), and my weight gain to this point has been minimal...except for that whole "I never lost the stupid weight from bulking" thing. I've been keeping tabs on it, but it is getting away from me. I go see Nutrition Guy again tomorrow to check in, and I'm dreading it. Mostly because I'm not sure I can take the result. I had my food on lockdown the last 2 weeks with one food slip and a couple of beers over the weekend...and my weight spiked up to a number I haven't seen since June. 170#.
ONE HUNDRED AND SEVENTY GODDAMN FUCKING POUNDS.
Seeing that number on the scale was like being sucker punched. I don't ever want to see it again. Not unless it comes with a guaranteed 250# backsquat and a 300# deadlift.
Obviously something needs to be adjusted. So I'm giving macro counting a try. I'm going to hate it.
Food scale. Shudder.
I'm using Renaissance Periodization. Mostly because practically everyone I know has used it at some point and if they can do it, why not me? They can answer all my annoying questions! I'm good at math, which is a big plus since I had to perform 3 separate calculations to make my breakfast.
It was cold by the time I got to the end of it.
The thing that's going to fuck me up is the meal timing. The only thing that really changes is the carbs, but it makes it nearly impossible to box up meals in advance because I never really know when I'm going to work out. And third shift throws another wrench in the works.
Also? Protein shakes. Hork.
Fruit snacks were my "quick carbs" today.
Whey protein started making me nauseated at the end of my bulk. I haven't had one since. I choked this one down on the way to the gym. It was pretty fucking horrible.
Siiiiiiigh.
RP has you taking 20-50g of "fast carbs" around/during a workout depending on what time you work out. I got these at Costco. Each bottle is 20g of carbs. Less math...except when more math. Fucking food math.
Oh, as a side note-know how to cheer up a basic bitch? Get her some new Lulu and send her to Costco.
This is my cheerful face.
After Costco I came home and made my lunch. Which had a different number of carbs than my breakfast. I broke out the scale and the measuring cups. Here's what I came up with.
Honestly? It was awesome.
Dinner was less precise. Mostly because we meal prep for the family and I'm NOT making myself a separate dinner. If I won't cook a different meal for my kid, I won't do it for myself. We don't eat garbage, so I can't imagine that a dinner with slightly muddled macros is going to murder my progress. And if it does? FUCK THIS RIGHT IN THE FACE AND BRING ME A PIZZA.
Beef and bacon cottage pie. And extra beans. And bread for carbs.
I headed out to yoga after dinner. It's almost time for the annual October Yogapalooza, so I'm getting a jump on my bendy time. Jenstar claims anyone can do the splits with the right prep and some practice. She said she'd bet money. Tonight I had her put her money where her mouth is. I've never done the splits in my life, and it seems like a cool trick. We went over the position in class and I got some pointers. I am the most inflexible person alive. It'll either take me a year and I'll get it, or she owes me like $4. And a latte. Because I drive a hard bargain.
I am nothing if not tenacious. I'm also bigly good at dealmaking.
Hot yoga was...hot...tonight. I was running sweat, but feeling extra bendy. Tomorrow I have some sprint intervals to run, and I'm not sure what else I'll do. Remains to be seen.
I still had two meals left to eat when I got home. A "meal meal" and a protein shake plus some fats. Yeah. The thought of drinking another protein shake kinda made me want to die, so I improvised. Two meals became one. Except no veggies because I ate enough goddamn veggies today and I don't feel like chawing down 2 cups of fucking broccoli at 9pm. I share a bed. That's just mean.
Mixed the protein powder with Greek yogurt.
Did math to reduce the berries to compensate for the carbs in
the yogurt.
I ate so much today. This was the "light" training day set up. There's non-training day (LOLZ what is this "non-training" of which you speak?), light, moderate, and heavy. I have no idea what my usual level of activity translates into. It doesn't match any of the descriptions given by RP. So I'll stick with "light" since I don't really try very hard at anything. I am, after all, just a really tall sloth.
About how I looked at 16 weeks with my first.
Before I switched to a candy and soda based diet.
So that was my first day on RP. I could eat the taco bowl every day, no problem. The eggs/sweet potato for breakfast? Ugh...too much stuff. I'm going to have to go to toast or Kodiak cakes or egg white oats or something. I can't hack that mess every day. Dinner will be what dinner will be. When I go on third shift I'll use going to bed and waking up as the reset of my day vs. midnight which was my previous custom. It will likely be easier to get the 4th meal in when I'm awake overnight. I'm supposed to be using casein protein before bed, so I may have to invest in some of that. We'll see what happens.
Oh, and if I get fatter doing this I'll be posting the shittiest "RP transformation" you've ever seen on Instagram. Because I'll be fat, but also strong, and really really angry.
HULK SMASH.
Now that I have eaten all the food on the planet, I'm going to bed. Can't wait to wake up and find out how fat I am, then do a bunch of math before I can eat.
Oh, and before anyone gets all "Blah blah you look great for being really old and crapping out a bunch of kids!"-no offense- but I don't give a rip what anybody thinks about the way I look. The only opinion that matters here is mine. I have to like what I see. I'm well aware that I see myself through a somewhat dysmorphic lens, but I'm not shooting for supermodel here. I'm shooting for "my pants don't leave a mark" and maybe "hey, she looks like she works out" or better "she looks like she knows how to throw a punch".
I'll work my way out of the sneaky hate spiral in my own time.
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