Friday, October 11, 2013

It's That Time of Year Again!

No, not the holiday season.  Fuck that shit.  Halloween is fun for the kids, but I won't be eating candy this year and aside from a themed party at the end of Lurong I don't much care about it.  The party is a WWE themed "come as your favorite wrestler".  I'm going to go as Lita. 

As you can see, this is clearly a stupid idea.  I'm a 36 year old mother of three.  Then again with a full face of makeup, an outfit from Hot Topic, and my tits jacked up to my chin?  I might look kinda hot.  Or at least a room full of drunk ruggers will think I look hot.  More than likely I'll just look ridiculous, but whatever.  It's a party and I'll be wearing a party wig.  That wig is the bomb.  It was $7.35 on Amazon.  Free shipping.  Totally worth it.
Along the Holiday Schmoliday line, I'll be on call Thanksgiving day and the whole weekend following it.  So that means I either have to host at my house or my family will go to dinner somewhere without me.  Maybe we'll just hang here and eat pizza.  Holiday basically blown.
Christmas usually just makes me stressed and angry.  I'm atheist, so there's no religious connection for me (I will admit to a fondness for carols, but that's mostly because I'm an ex-singer and I know the alto and tenor lines for every one of them.  It's fun to sing harmony in church.  It really messes with people around you.).  I do like the baking part of Christmas, and I plan to get hammered and do a shitload of it. Then I will force feed cookies to my friends, family, and co-workers at every opportunity.  I find gift giving very stressful.  I despise shopping, and the hatred is amplified during the holiday season.  There is no sign of brotherly love in a mall.  If I can't get it on Amazon?  I don't need it.  I knitted Christmas stockings for the whole family last year, and I love the tree and the lights.  If we could skip gifts and just eat cookies, drink fizzy wine, and cuddle in front of the fire I'd be down with Christmas.  Happy Saturnalia, bitches.
As long as I'm on Christmas, I'm just going to say this:  My saying "Happy Holidays" is NOT a war on Christmas.  It is a freaking greeting.  It means "Hey you, person I may never see again, you have a banner fucking Christmas and a balls out New Year" and also handily encompasses Hanukkah (well, not really this year since Hanukkah starts in November), Kwanzaa, and Ramadan (when it falls in December).  You go right ahead and wish a Merry Christmas to all the godless heathens you want and I won't say a word, even when you say it to me.  It doesn't offend me.  I don't want you to stop saying it.  I just want you to not get all assed up when I say Happy Holidays.  Mkay? Mkay.
So what does "That Time of Year Again" mean?  I'm glad you asked. 
It's Athletic Stupidity Time!!!
The time of year when I sit down with my brand new calendar and plan my training for the year ahead.  I sign up for a crapton of races, meticulously plan my training, then look back and think HOLY JEEBUS I'M RACING EVERY WEEKEND IN MAY.
So what's on tack for 2014?  I'm gonna get faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaasssssssssssstttttt.  I've been on hiatus from training and really only running here and there for the last month or two.  I run when I want, no watch, no plan, just recreational.  It's been nice, but I haven't had the urge to go out much.  The last two weeks with the leaves turning and the air crisping up?  I want to run.  More than that, I want to train.  So train I shall.  Including speedwork. 
1. Post at least one sub-8 mile (PR is 8:05)
2. Break 28 minutes in the 5K (PR is 29:30-and I walked during this one)
3. Break 2:10 for the half-marathon (PR is 2:12)
1. Indoor 5K in January, just for funsies
2. Seroogy's 5K in February (this is my break 28 race)
3. Point Bock in March (I'd love to put up a sub 48 here)
4. Crazylegs in April (if we can get in-never done it and I wanna)
5. Door County half
6. Cellcom half (my break 2:10 race)
7. Soldier Field 10 miler
8. Des Moines Dam to Dam (I think it's a 20K-it will be my first)
Races 5-8 are in May.  It's going to be awesome.
My only real non-running goal will hopefully be accomplished in the next couple of months.  I got a pull up bar and some bands.  I am going to do pull ups.  Enough of them to get me to a place where I can do them unassisted.  It has been my goal for a long time, but I'm not going after it hard enough.  I have never been able to do one.  I failed the fucking flexed arm hang in the Presidential Fitness thing every. fucking. year.  Not anymore.  My 36 year old self will accomplish what my 15 year old self couldn't imagine.  Hell, if you told 15 year old me what 30ish year old me would do she would have laughed in your face.
I love a brand spanking New Year!  I love planning and training and racing!  And I can't wait to hang a bunch of new medals on my display.  If I can make it through the holidays. (Did I mention I'm also on call for almost an entire week over New Year? Because I am.)
What are your goals for the New Year?  Does this stuff sound crazy?  Can you do pull-ups?  Have you ever gone to a party with your tits jacked up to your chin?

These Christmas tree cookies are the bomb.