Sunday, March 24, 2013

Something's Got To Give

Man.  Where to start?  I haven't blogged in a million years, and it's not for lack of activities to write about.  Mostly it's because I feel out of sorts.  In fact, I don't really know how to make this flow, so why don't I just break it into parts?


I changed jobs.  I'm now a home infusion pharmacist.  The job is different enough to be interesting, but not so different as to be disorienting.  I'm starting to get the hang of it, which is good, because I've been flying fucking solo for almost 2 weeks now.  The techs I work with are fucking rock stars, which is great because I would be really screwed if they sucked. I worked with a lot of great techs at my old job, don't get me wrong, but because these two are the ONLY two? They know their jobs backwards and forwards and they can produce.  My pharmacist partner is a complete 180 from my previous work partner.  For starters he and I are the same age.  I don't meet many testosto-pharmys my age.  We are mostly of the gyno variety.  He's vain, controlling, and requires constant validation.  That said?  Clearly a great pharmacist, and super fun to work with.  As with many of my relationships, I am the dude in this one.  I used to work with his wife, who is a saint for living with him, even though the selfish bitch had the nerve to crap out a kid thereby leaving me alone in the office with a whopping 5 weeks of experience under my elasitc drawstring waist.  (Love you, Bets!)  What's really killing me is this 5 days a week garbage.


I am totally half assing my marathon training.  I switched to a Run Less, Run Faster program for the 3 days a week of it all.  I'm definitely doing the "Run Less" part.  As with my last attempt at this program, I have yet to do a tempo run.  I am forced because of my schedule to do the bulk of my running on the treadmill and it is killing me.  My new treader is the bomb, don't get me wrong.  It is state of the art freaking awesome, but I HATE that I am forced to run on it almost exclusively.  Not being able to run outside makes me die a little inside.  Not getting a 5 days a week dose of sunlight in the winter months? Is making me depressed and irritable.  I didn't realize until I couldn't do it just how much of a lift outdoor winter training gave me.  I love winter training, and I've hardly done any.  That makes me sad.  I keep telling myself that )now that there are more daylight hours) running in the evening is a viable option.  Once it gets warmer I'll go out in the pre-dawn light again for runs, but with all this shitty snow then ice then dry then ice then snow we've had around here?  I can't catch a break.  Last weekend we ran the inagural Two Rivers 10-mile.  It was great.  Freezing cold and sunny, then a little snow.  I finished in 1:48:15 and felt really great.  Then I got stuck treadmill running all week.  And now I feel run down.  The treadmill is making me not want to run, and that is not okay.


I am totally half assing Crossfit.  I signed up for the Open, which has been motivating, but man do I suck at things I should be better at by now.  I need to go in more than twice a week to keep improving, but I just can't get there that often AND fail at marathon training.  I need to fail at one thing at a time, I guess.  The last Open WOD I did?  12 min AMRAP of wall balls, double unders, and muscle ups.  Now, I can wall ball...but this was with a 14lb ball.  I've never used a 14lb ball.  Why?  Because I'm a damn chicken.  I did 85 wall balls before time ran out.  That is pathetic, and my quads are still spasming on the stairs after that.  Thank god for my year long challenge or I never would've been able to do all those squats.    I'm going to finish the Open and take ownership of my half-assery.  When this marathon is done (June 22!!), I am taking the running hiatus I never took last year and I'm going to make Crossfit a priority.  It makes me better, and when I'm making the effort, it makes me feel strong.  It makes me love myself, because I understand what a beautiful machine my body is.  It also drops my mile splits without speed work.  Can't argue with that.


I am shit at handling stress.  Well, that's not true.  I've always been really, really good at handling stress.  I can work through anything, accomplish anything, and look like I'm doing fine (aside from some serious cursing).  All I have to do is get fat.  Yep.  I eat my feelings in the form of shitty carbs and I get fat.  I compulsively stuff myself with garbage as a coping mechanism.  It works, on the surface.  Then I eat a bowl of mint chocolate chip ice cream and feel like I'm going to fucking die.  For real.  My guts rose up against me, and when I woke up the next morning?  Let's just say I would've felt better if I'd gotten drunk.  I made it through this round of self medication without too much damage to my waistline, but only because...


I am detoxing again, starting today.  I have been off the Paleo wagon for about 12 days and I feel like shiiiiiiiiit.  That ends now.  Why do I keep going back into habits that make me feel so awful?  That's got to be some kind of self-loathing.  I mean, I'm like a goddamn drug addict with this shit.  It's scary.  I already feel better, honestly.  If the last two rounds repeat themselves I'll be down about 8lbs of water and sorrow by Saturday.  Damage (see Stress.) negated.  Straight and narrow rediscovered.

So there you have it.  I just laid all my shit out on the table.  I have been totally half-assing my life.  That has to stop.  I'm a grown-ass woman with responsibilities, true, but I have to do the things I love.  I have to take care of myself or I'll be stuck in this sneaky hate spiral forever. 

I'm planning to blog my detox this time around.  I promise there will be pictures instead of a series of fucked-up dissertations.

Do you every half-ass your life?  Come on, make me feel like I'm not alone :)


  1. Sounds like a classic case of unrealistic expectations. There aren't enough hours in a week to work full time, marathon train, be totally dedicated to Crossfit, do your daily challenge, and still be a good partner and mama.. plus all of the other less fun things in life... like laundry. So unless you're sitting around on your ass all the time eating bon-bons and watching soaps, maybe it's time to look at your lovely face in the mirror and say it with me... "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and gosh darn it, I'm a badass.

  2. Amy, I have "half assed" my life since becoming a mom 8 years ago...I think it's impossible not to!
    I ate half a pint of gelato last night. I let my kids watch too much TV all weekend because my nerves were frayed. I cut back drastically on my running last week so that I can get a little more sleep. I missed a dear friend's party because I forgot about it. I went apeshit on my husband at one point...
    All that I'm trying to say is that you are not alone! And it's entirely normal to feel how you do!

  3. Totally not alone! It seems like every time I slip into a half-assing cycle I get better at it. While being good at something feels nice on the outside, it really sucks on the inside. And makes it harder for me to get out of said cycle. I will say, you've had a lot going on! So much pulling at you that I don't really considering you half-assing but maybe spread too thin. Getting back in control of all of it always feels good though and it sounds like that is what you are doing!