Tuesday, October 6, 2015

Blogging 2015: 800 down, 1215 to go (Lurong Day 23)

It seems that I'm a white cloud this week. Truthfully, I'm usually a white cloud. What I mean is that for some reason truly horrible shit rarely happens at the hospital when I'm working. The opposite of a white cloud is a lightening rod.  I've worked with a few lightening rod pharmacists over the course of my career. They are the type who end up with the weird shit going down while they're at work. Simultaneous codes, multiple chemo patients going haywire all at once, bizarre antibiotic regimens or reactions, truly freakish accidents piled on top of belligerent drunks on top of transplant orders and a triplet birth. That kind of thing. I've experienced all of those things, but in general they happen one at a time and not all at once. For the most part when I work (even if it's busy) it's pretty smooth sailing. It only gets clusterfucky now and then. There have been some people that I dreaded working with because so much weird shit happened to them, although often my white-cloudiness overrode their lightening-roddedness. I am a bit of an angel of death in code situations, though. This is all bullshit, mind you, because the universe is chaos and shit happens no matter who you are, but in general I do a decent job of keeping the chaos at bay.

Anyway, my point is that it's been boring as shit in the hospital for the last few nights. Which is fine, but it makes for loooooooong nights.

Last night I listened to internet radio and did some CE on pediatric neurology. Interesting stuff, that. Definitely more interesting than biostatistics. I feel like statistical analysis is witchcraft. You can make numbers mean literally anything if you tweak your hypothesis in the right direction. I sometimes wonder if study designers are just yanking our collective chain.  Just give me the bottom line and lets skip the fancy pants math, mkay? I'm not interested in your p-value unless you can make that shit relevant for me.

I once again drank too much coffee, so I pretty much just had some hard boiled eggs and melon around 3am. Too much honeydew. I hate that shit. No picture of my sad fruit.

Came home early to get the smalls squared away for school, and since they were having waffles I decided to have them. With bananas! NOM!

Banana was an afterthought. A good one.

Then I got home and there was a voicemail from Foot Locker wanting clarification on payment for $411 worth of gear. I didn't order anything from Foot Locker. So I called them, got the order stopped, called the police and filed a report, called the bank to cancel my debit card, and then it was 9am and kind of past my bedtime. I did manage to turn on the fan of death and sleep like a corpse for 6 hours, so that's a win.

Upon waking I swiped some meat cookies.

The dog really wants these. A lot.

Then I read for a while and helped the girl child with her homework here and there, while fantastic husband made dinner. I felt a little guilty since I did quite literally nothing during this time frame. Not guilty enough to get up and help, but kind of guilty.

Meat and veg.

I grabbed some desert.

Wine and dried cherries.

Now I'm enjoying my beverage and watching Wheel. Because I am old. T-minus 2 shifts to vacation, and tomorrow morning I'm going to hit a yoga class before I go to sleep. Mostly because fantastic husband has to do something stupid for work that might happen or might not but I can't bank on not or I'll miss my evening class.  Also I might WOD at 1615...we'll see if I'm awake.

Today's affirmation was 

I am enough.

Goes along with that guilty feeling for not doing more after I woke up today. I often feel like I'm not enough. Not pretty enough, not thin enough, not smart enough, not ambitious enough...you get the idea. I think that's a pretty common thing for women. We seem to think that unless you are accomplishing everything then you are accomplishing nothing. Unless we graduated summa cum laude and stepped right into a high level job making great money, found Mr. Right, popped out 2.5 perfect kids, dropped right back into a size 4, maintain a perfect tan, and manage to create gourmet meals in our sparkling kitchens before heading out to run in full make-up and head-to-toe lululemon without sweating...then we somehow suck.

Well I'll tell you what I accomplished today: I thwarted fraud, motherfuckers. I brushed my teeth like a boss. I moved the pile of clean laundry from the bed to the chair.  I am winning. 

I fight my baser nature on a day-to-day basis. If I could sit stationary in a chair with my feet up, a cup of coffee, a bag of cookies, and a suitcase full of yarn? I would never move. My ass would graft to the chair. But I don't. I feed the kids mostly okay food, I wash their mostly fitting clothes, I clean their dirty little bodies and kiss boo-boos and read horribly written stories (OMG WHO came up with Ninjago and HOW can I find him and scramble his brain?!?). I shower and get dressed and go to work. I go to the gym and chit chat with my friends and sometimes squat. I fall asleep in savasana. I pay the bills. And you know what? That is enough. I am enough. 

The Swedish have a word "lagom" which means just enough (roughly, it's more of a concept). It's the idea of having just what you need. "Enough is as good as a feast" is another rough translation. It's a good concept, it appeals to me. We spend too much time trying to have more, to be more. It's stressful. I don't want to do it anymore.

I am me, and I am enough.

And you know what, my friend? So are you.

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