Thursday, October 1, 2015

Blogging 2015: 793 down, 1222 to go (Lurong Day 18)

So I've been out of communication for the last few days. I have a good reason. No, I wasn't laying on the living room floor eating cookies. My mother and my aunt were here from Arizona. So I kind of wanted to lay on the floor and eat cookies, but I restrained myself.

It really wasn't that bad.

It's my story and I'll tell it how I want.

My mother and I have a contentious history. I understand now as an adult that she did the best she could, but I know many of my personal issues stem from my relationship with my mother, and her relationship with her mother.  I have an overdeveloped drive to achieve, and an underdeveloped ability to appreciate my own accomplishments. Nothing is good enough. No grade high enough. No degree lofty enough. No amount of skill or knowledge is sufficient. My mother spent a large portion of her life hating her body, and by extension I have spent a large portion of my life hating mine. When I was a teenager I hated my face. My nose was too big, my eyes an ugly color, my jawline uneven, my glasses nerdy. Boys made fun of my "witch nose" and taunted me for being too tall. I got called "thunder thighs" and "fatty". I was 5'9" and weighed 140 pounds. Instead of saying "Fuck you, you stinking stunted pimply teenaged asshole" I internalized all those things and they became part of my inner monologue.

I still recall with perfect clarity the day a boy in my European History class tapped me on the shoulder and handed me a drawing. It was me in profile, wearing a witches hat. He had exaggerated my already large nose and drawn a wart on it. I tore it into tiny pieces in front of him and threw them into his face. Then I cried all the way home. Thinking about it still makes choke up. What kind of dipshit asshole does that to another person? In college I put on weight. I hit 200 pounds. I knew I was big. Walking out of the cafeteria with a sandwich one night, a guy walking past me with his buddy said "Maybe if you ate less you wouldn't be so fucking fat."  I turned to him and said "Maybe if you read more you wouldn't be such a fucking idiot." Then I went to my dorm room and ate my sandwich and berated myself for being so disgusting. I even had a guy in a bar tell me once (unsolicited) that he would never ask me out because "tall women look bad." Great. I'll just cut myself off at the knees. 

See this face? I used to hate it. Seems crazy, right?

I've done pretty much everything you can think of to punish myself for being fat and ugly. I starved, I took internet diet pills, I engaged in what I can only describe as exercise bulimia. I went on fad diets (cabbage soup anyone? The 3-Day Diet?), sometimes with my mother. I did Weight Watchers, and Nutrisystem (do not recommend that one, you'll fart your brains out), and Atkins, and South Beach. I would have success and feel happy briefly, then fall right back into self-hatred. It feels terrible to stand in front of the mirror and hate what you see. I've made great strides towards adopting healthier habits. I no longer work out to punish myself for being fat. I only do the things I enjoy. Running, CrossFit, yoga...these are all things that I find beneficial. They make me feel free, and strong, and centered. I do better at eating things that are not only enjoyable, but worthwhile. Food can be delicious and satisfying without inducing guilt. I can have treats without feeling like a failure.  But the self-criticism is still there, lurking below the surface. The way I talk to myself is shocking. If I said those things out loud to another person it would be a hate crime. This needs to stop.

I'm doing a month long challenge through my yoga studio. It involves taking classes and setting a goal. I have chosen to actively practice self-acceptance. (I would've said self-love, but that just sounds like I'll be masturbating all month.) I'm going to choose something to focus on each day and...not exactly meditate on it, but bring it to the forefront of my mind when negative self-talk starts to get too loud.  Today's phrase is...

This body deserves respect.

My body does not deserve hatred. It carries me through life with ease and has accomplished incredible things. 23 half marathons, 2 full marathons, 2 ultras, countless relays, hiking, biking, weightlifting. It has borne 3 children including a set of full term twins. It has recovered from births and surgeries and broken bones and illnesses. It is an amazing machine and it deserves my respect. This is my body. I will not hate it anymore.

I will not hate it anymore.

So. Now that I've spilled my crazy all over you, I'm going to show you what I ate today. Smooth transition, yeah? A couple of days ago I made toaster waffles because it's been a while and it's hard to make a Sunbutter/raisin/waffle sandwich without waffles.  Today I had a few with some real maple syrup and bacon. Perfect start to a fall morning.

Get in mah belly!

I went to a Barre class for day 1 of the studio challenge (Oh, it's at Jenstar in DePere if you're interested.). Yesterday at the box we did weighted walking lunges which always make my ass and hamstrings hurt. In the way that makes you whimper when you sit. Tonight is going to be fun at work. Barre was a shitload of planks (as usual, one step closer to that unassisted pull-up) and then a series of minute leg movements that always make me feel like my quads are going to burst into flames.  Fun times.  I wore this shirt to Barre.

Pitch Perfect, anyone?

This is a quote from a character named Fat Amy. I thought briefly that maybe it wasn't in keeping with my "no self hatred" deal, but then I thought it was perfect. Fat Amy loves herself, and she expects everyone else to see her awesome. 

I considered going to the box after Barre, but based on the scheduled WOD I figured I'd be doing myself more harm than good. I'll go tomorrow at 915. Instead I yakked with some chicks after class for a bit, then came home and had an egg in hell for lunch.

It's so good. There are no words.

Since I have to work tonight, I opted for a nap this afternoon. Surprisingly I was able to fall asleep pretty easily (it can be hard on my first night to nap since I had a full night's sleep on Wednesday). I got a few hours rest then got up and made dinner. Fantastic husband prepped some beef for jerky. We had a freezer meal, garlic sausage and peppers with cauli rice. It was really tasty.

Packers colors, natch.

The kids wanted to go for a walk after supper, so we obliged them and took the dog out for a few miles. It was a lovely evening. A bit windy, but bright and sunny. Hard to imagine that it'll be too dark for evening walks in just a few short weeks.

Seven days stand between me and my 24 day vacation. I am beyond excited. We're going to Pennsylvania for a few days for the Runner's World Festival and Half. We'll be doing a 3.8 mile trail run on Friday, a 5K followed by a 10K on Saturday morning, and a half marathon on Sunday morning. There's also a couple of dinners and a meet up with friends from Hood to Coast as well as some virtual friends from the sub-30 club. I'm not really a party person, but I'm looking forward to this. I'm also glad we have our own hotel room and won't need to share, because I'm going to enjoy socializing...but I still need a place to escape to when it gets to be too much. 

Salt mine tonight, box tomorrow. Hopefully I'll get the chance to watch a little of the Wisconsin Open weightlifting comp at the box on Saturday. That will depend on how much sleep I get and how well behaved the smalls can be. 

Happy October!!

No comments:

Post a Comment