Thursday, August 25, 2016

The Capacity of the Human Stomach is 1 to 4 Liters, or "Congratulations, It's a Tapeworm!"

I haven't eaten like this since I was pregnant.

But I got sterilized 6 years ago and had my uterus burned for good measure, so this baby factory is not only's fucking condemned. I burned that shit down. 

So I have no idea why I've been basically a walking stomach for the last few days. There is not enough food in a 50 mile radius to fill the gaping cavern that is my guts.

My food baby. What shall I name it? Harrison? Gerald? Beauregard?

Don't worry, there won't be a birth announcement.

I consumed all of this before 0500:

Salmon, rice, asparagus, berries, yogurt, chia seeds, carrots, peppers, hummus, grapes, 
string cheese, hummus, and a meal replacement bar.

 I did not go to the cafeteria at 0630 because I knew if I ate then I'd only have to eat again before going to CrossFit. A co-worker brought in doughnuts for the students. I love donuts. Donuts are magical.

I did not eat a donut. I didn't even sniff them.
Would've been hungry 45 seconds later anyway.

Came home and made this instead:

Mushrooms and spinach in 2 eggs fried in bacon fat and Ezekiel toast
with a fuckton o' butter.

Went to the 915 with fantastic husband where I broke a personal rule and did snatches up to 85#. Normally I won't go over 65# on my first day off (I have taken several barbells to the head), but it actually felt pretty good today. I complained about the music and coach told me if my next 3 snatches were pretty we could listen to whatever I wanted. They were pretty, so we listened to old school rap. Fuck. Yes. 

I failed the 85# snatch a couple of times, but it's my current 1 rep and the fact that I attempted it at all was a bit of a victory today.

Hungry does not begin to describe what I was after a WOD of front squats and toes to bar followed by 50 GHDs. I was actually seeing spots by the time we were on the way home. That's in part due to fatigue, so when we got home I did the only rational thing...grabbed a red pepper and crawled into bed to eat it.

Hey, it doesn't leave crumbs.

I took a nap for a couple hours and got up to change for yoga...but that didn't happen. I did something to my left wrist during front squats and I can't put my full weight on it, which means no downward dog or planks. I don't think it's injured, just a little tweaked. Whatever it is it better figure something out, because if I can't make the 515 tomorrow I'm gonna be peevish.

So when I woke up I was hungry. Not peckish...hungry. So I poured myself a cold brew and I ate.

It wasn't enough.

And then I ate some more.

This container was full.

Then it was 4pm and I was desperate for food again. Fantastic husband made kielbasa and sweet potato fries. I stuffed myself full of sausage.


That was about 90 minutes ago. I'm hungry again. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck.  I prepped some chia pudding for the fridge. It does me no good tonight, but tomorrow I'll be set. Although this is calorie dense but not much volume for a serving. Possibly shooting myself in the foot here.

Poured into mason jars and DONE.

This is what I ate today in checkboxes. I might have missed some. Also I drank close to 5L of water today.


My future career as a linebacker is assured.

Oh! Exciting news! StitchFix does exchanges now! I requested a swap of the size 8 jeans I originally got for a pair of 6s. They came today (supafast!), and they're just right. They even fit over my food baby. I'd like you to note that my hair, shirt, and jeans are all the same color. I didn't choose the monochromatic life, the monochromatic life chose me.

I hear monochromatic outfits make you look taller, and so do 4.5" heels.
By that logic I am close to 8 feet tall in this photo.

Since it's my first day off I'll be sleeping like a corpse in pretty short order, which is a blessing, because there's nothing left to eat in this house except the furniture and maybe like a box of baking soda.  

This has to stop at some point, right? It's madness. 

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