Monday, January 18, 2016

I Miss Being Hungry

That's a weird fucking statement, isn't it? I miss being hungry. But I do. My father used to say "Hunger is the best sauce". Granted, that was mostly when we were being assholes about what my mother served us (have I mentioned she was a terrible cook?). I say it to my own kids. It's really true, though. There's nothing like smelling what's cooking for dinner and feeling that little rumble, anticipating the first bite, and thoroughly enjoying a satisfying meal.

Aside from immediately upon waking, I haven't felt hungry in four days. I don't like it. Man, that looks stupid in print. But it's so true. I don't anticipate my meals. They are prepped, boxes checked, I sit down to eat mindfully as I've been trained by numerous diets...and I feel nothing. Well, maybe dread. I keep telling myself it's going to taste so good (because everything I've eaten is perfectly tasty food), but I end up just sort of mechanically eating it and washing it down. Just getting through it.

This must resolve. I'm not eating an abnormal amount of food. You know that "percent daily calories" calculation on the back of every damned packaged food? It's based on a 2,000 calorie diet, which is approximately what I'm eating. So...normal, right? Granted, I'm not eating packaged food. So here's what I more or less force fed myself today.

Breakfast was coffee (still keeping to 2 cups) with a little almond milk, the omnipresent cup of water, and oats with a diced apple and some chopped pecans.  In the morning I'm hungry, and this was delicious. Comforting on this very cold morning. Oh, I should mention that I've been getting up and eating breakfast earlier hoping to spread my meals out more during the day...chasing hunger.
Mmm, mmm...good.

The spawn were off school today. Apparently Green Bay is the only local school that observes Martin Luther King Jr's birthday? That seems massively fucked up, but whatever. I took them to daycare for a half day so I could get my workouts in. They had cereal by request. We let them eat shitty cereal. They mostly get hot breakfast but once a week or so we break out the sugar laden chemical bullshit, because childhood.  This morning it was Cap'n Crunch with marshmallows in it. Nutrition-y. Ordinarily I kind of want some (because as you know, I am a hopeless sugar addict). Having already crammed myself full of oats, apple, and nuts and staring down a mid-morning snack? Yeah. Not at all appealing. Not even a little bit.

I dropped them off and came back home to eat. Because it's like my job now.

Carrots and hummus.

Knocked out a legume and two, count 'em TWO starchy veggie servings. Fuck yeah. Win the checklist. Then I headed out for some hot core focused yoga. It was a tough one today. I did a fuckton of situps over the last few days so my core was already a little sore and it was fairly screaming by the end of this session. My side plank game is improving. I can hold that shit rock solid for daaaaayyyyyys. With leg lifts. Woot.

I made my lunch earlier and I brought it along figuring maybe I could cram a little bit into my face before meeting my friend Kim for a workout after yoga. It ended up filling this 5 cup container. FIVE CUPS OF FOOD. That's a lot of fucking food. I deliberately stacked the middle of the day hoping to save myself feeling like I'm going to split in half before bedtime.

Same as a few days ago but add cucumber, 
HBE, and mustard.

I did eat some of it. I went to Xperience Fitness for the first time today and got a day pass so I could work out with my small and mighty friend. Standing next to her makes me feel like a fucking T.Rex. She's strong as fuck, but itty bitty. The last time I was itty bitty was...birth. Pretty much a goddamn giraffe with a tendency towards rhinoceros since then. We ran on the treadmill and gabbed for a while, then went to the weights room for chest and back. I benched for reps for the first time in ages (70# I think? I don't know, I was doing what I was told), we did some lat pull-downs, inclined chest press, that kind of thing. Then for funsies we did multiple sets of push-ups to failure. She's a fun workout buddy. I also got some shoulder hypertrophy exercises to do at home. I need bigger shoulders for...reasons? Mostly just because why the hell not?

#filters and #morefilters also #lats

The state of the plates in that place would've given Justin a stroke. Pandemonium. 

After our little bro-sesh I went to Costco because I need to eat all the food and that means I deplete the fridge quickly. It was really cold, but at least it wasn't fucking raining. It's always fucking raining when I go to Costco.

The "no guilt" cart, per the cashier.

After that I picked up the spawn and headed home to force feed myself the remainder of my lunch.  The smalls had a snack and spent about 45 minutes bouncing off the ceiling keening "When is it time to go to CrossFit Kiiidddddssssss?" because it's the Arctic Apocalypse outside and they spent all day cooped up. P drew two "honorary police badges" for the coaches and was all excited about bringing them in. It was cute. The have their moments.

I packed up my book and MOAR FOODZ to bring along. Blueberries, raspberries, blackberries, 6oz of greek yogurt with stevia, and chia seeds. This knocked out my remaining 2 fruit servings and my second "nuts and seeds" serving along with 1 protein.  I should've wanted to eat this. What about this isn't delicious?

I force fed myself.

I considered doing today's WOD, but 100 burpees to target after 3 hours of exercise? Fuck that. Plus burpees to target make me feel like I'm going to ralph about 40-50 in. I'm so damn full I probably would've vomited all over the place.

Would I have to re-eat all the servings I lost? Perish the thought.

I made burritos from the leftover Carne Asada for the smalls along with some broccoli and mango on the side. Their kiddie WOD must've worked some magic because they all devoured their dinners without a single complaint. It's a mid-winter miracle!

My plate had a scant 3oz of Kalua pork and 2 servings of broccoli.

I had a few bites before i remembered the picture.

Technically I need to eat one more serving of veggies tonight and one dairy. I don't know. Maybe in a couple of hours that will sound more appealing. I had hoped that spending so much time in activity today would rev up my hunger mechanism, but it didn't. Not even a little bit. I'm somewhat surprised by that. Historically running causes me a sort of delayed hunger reaction. I have no appetite immediately afterwards, but several hours later I am ravenous. I've run 3 times since starting this (out of 4 days) and nada. No time for hunger, I guess.

I am assured by many that soon I will adjust to this and I'll start to feel hungry at the appropriate times. That must be true. It makes sense. Shit, I really hope it's true.

Tomorrow will be a forced rest day (I think, if I feel okay I might go to yoga later in the evening...if I'm not to doped up on Percs to drive) due to my scheduled uterus burning. That reminds me, I forgot to take my fucking Celebrex. It's a good thing I'm not retail anymore, I'm shit at compliance and I always felt guilty being all "You need to take this every day!!" when I couldn't remember to take a bloody prenatal vitamin more than twice a week. It's entirely possible I won't get anywhere near my food target tomorrow, but I get a pass because uterus things. 

Obs should be "injustice" but you get the drift.

With luck and baby dolphins I'll be back to my "normal activities" on Wednesday. I'm not sure my idea of normal activities matches up with the nurse's idea, but I'm going to take that statement at face value. 

Time to dive back into The Expanse. I'll resurface eventually...when I run out of books. 

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