Thursday, January 21, 2016

Trusting the Process

I will trust the process. I will trust the process. I will trust the process. I will trust the process. I will trust the process. I WILL TRUST THE PROCESS I WILL TRUST THE PROCESS.

Struggle bus, ticket for one to self-pity-town, please.

Fantastic husband was at work today, so he was up early and out the door. I woke up the spawn and spent 15 minutes convincing C that he could in fact wear size 6 pants even though he is only 5 years old. He then spent the remainder of the morning complaining about said pants. Sigh.

I made myself a bowl of oatmeal and decided I didn't want to eat it. Most mornings I wake up hungry, but not so much today. I decided that I just needed to szhuszh up my breakfast to get my tastebuds excited. So I took my cooked oatmeal, mixed in an egg, a little cinnamon, vanilla, and stevia, 1/4tsp of baking powder and made oatmeal pancakes. Shockingly this worked. Fuck me, I'm a cook.

Instead of maple syrup or honey (neither of which I'm currently allowed) I smeared on some Sunbutter and dropped a handful of berries on top for color.


The smelled great cooking, like pan cookies. And they tasted good, decent texture. I might soak the oats overnight in some almond milk next time vs. cooking in water, but I can't complain for an extemporaneous recipe. I still wasn't too excited about eating them. What's wrong with me? 

Instead of Barre class today I went to the box. It was a lunges/DL/squats workout and I need to do lunges. My left leg was a weak-ass bitch and I had to drop from 75# to 65# after the first round when I couldn't get up off the floor on that side. One of these days I'll actually work on that side. But I probably won't. After the workout I worked on handstands for a while. I actually hit one for real pretty early on. I did a few kicking up yoga style into "L" legs as well. It's coming along. 

I took a convenience snack to the gym. First time I've eaten any kind of "bar" on this deal. I'm supposed to avoid dried fruit. 

The dog wants the cheese.

When I got home I figured I'd make my lunch and then try to nap as I'm back to work tonight. I wasn't feeling terribly ambitious so I just tossed a bunch of stuff in a pan and called it good. Mushrooms, peppers, red onion, spinach, sausage, eggs, and black olives. 

So much goddamn food.

I tried to sleep, but mostly ended up reading. I maybe got an hour's nap, which doesn't bode terribly well for tonight...especially since I'm supposed to be cutting down my coffee consumption. I do have to eat like 3 times during my shift, so maybe that will keep me awake. Here's hoping for a nice steady night. 

After my failed nap I got up and had a snack. Of course.

Carrots and hummus.

I read some more and finished a mitten, then took a nice long shower. Since I have to work I tried to look like a competent adult.  My hair sucks and I want it to magically grow another 4-6 inches ASAP or alternately disappear and change color. I've never been able to style my own hair. Right now it's too short for a bun (not that I know how to make one) and just long enough to get stuck inside my damn collar constantly. If I wear a ponytail all the time it breaks off. I'd braid it, but it's not long enough for a regular braid and I can't French braid my own hair. Never could. I'm 38 years old and I can't do hair. There has to be some kind of remedial class I could take. Maybe I need to find an 8 year old to teach me. Not my 8 year old, she can't even figure out how to drag a comb through the back of her hair. (Not to brag, but I've got that on lockdown). 
Stupid fucking hair.

After retrieving the smalls from daycare, I put together some leftover pizza piles for supper. They looooooove this. So easy, just noodles as a base (I used spaghetti squash for myself), a little pizza sauce, pizza toppings, cheese, etc. They gobble it up.

This is like 2 cups of veg disguised as pizza.

Post-supper is homework time, and miraculously everyone finished before 6:30. Now they watch cartoons and I fold laundry. It's a high speed life I lead. First I have to eat this. No chia seeds tonight. I blew my nuts and seeds wad (see what I did there) with the pancakes and Larabar earlier. I don't want to eat it.


So after a week of eating this way, checking all the boxes, how do I feel?  I'll tell you. I feel crappy. I feel wide and fat and sluggish and slow. I feel tired and bloated and uncomfortable. I eat and I feel full to the point of illness 80% of the time. I'm not hungry the next time I'm supposed to eat. I eat anyway because I said I would and then I feel full and uncomfortable again. I don't want to work out because I feel so full and uncomfortable and all my clothes feel tight in the waist. I need to do my postponed time trial sometime in the next 3 days and I'm terrified I won't be able to move as fast as I need to without getting a terrible side stitch of barfing my guts up all over Bay Settlement Rd. Every time I feel like maybe I'm turning a corner, I have to eat again and go right back to feeling cruddy. In the back of my mind the little voice that hates me whispers "you're going to get soooo faaaaat. fatty fat fat. see how your pants already don't fit? faaaat fat fat. slow and fat, that's you, fatty." It's getting louder every day I feel this way. Academically I know that's stupid, but it's still there.

Eating good food is supposed to make you feel good, right? Energetic? Well, I don't. None of this stuff is new. It's all stuff I ate before (well, not the least not every day), I'm just eating it in much larger quantities. It's not like my digestive system should be surprised by anything I'm putting in it. So why do I feel this way? I have another week before I see the nutritionist again, and I'm going to stick to the program and trust the motherfucking process. 

This has to get easier, right? At some point I'm going to want all this food? I'll feel bouncy again and not like I just want to sleep all the time? What am I going to do next week if the nutritionist tells me to eat even more?

Wow. That sounds really whiny. I'm even annoying myself. Sorry. 

I'll just going to go stuff myself full of yogurt and berries and shut up now...

No comments:

Post a Comment